No, that Esquire is NOT mine. But don't bend it.

The cat is conspicuously quiet, which means in a little while, something will be utterly destroyed and he'll be nowhere in sight. I am not worried abut this at the moment, for I am more preoccupied with Gerard Butler, which is not to say he’s in the room or anything of that nature, but for far more pathetic reasons. For the life of me I don’t know why he’s been on my mind, and it’s useless to question but painfully curious, I have been having the most vivid dreams about Gerard Butler, of Phantom of the Opera, 300, and PS I Love You fame. For the record, I do not find him attractive. I don’t think he’s particularly talented and there is nothing about his off-screen personality worth mentioning besides the fact that he’s Scottish and he has a damn good voice (No thanks, Emmy Rossum). The first time, I woke up baffled. I hadn’t thought about him for years, and never in a sexual or remotely animalistic way but there he was, in a scene from the gut-wrenchingly 80’s movie Some Kind of Wonderful. I’m not comfortable disclosing how much clothing he was wearing but you can safely assume it wasn’t much to speak of in the first place. I found myself looking him up out of blind curiosity and distaste, finding the FUNNIEST videos compiled by middle-aged women who wanted to get all up on his Scottish self (the best was set to Careless Whisper by George Michael, and that's how you know EXACTLY what the video entails). For a good three days I was wandering around, seeing and hearing of Gerard Butler EVERYWHERE when I hadn't even considered him before...the most persistent being a little picture of him on the sidebar of EVERY facebook page. EVEN FACEBOOK KNOWS.

The worst of it reared its ugly head during my lunch break from day 1 of 2 in summer school (a story for another time). After purchasing a notebook, I found myself killing time and wound up, as you do, in the magazine section. A cute guy with a bike helmet dangling from his wrist was in front of the men's interest mags and I kept him in the periphery as I perused the Heath Ledger Vanity Faire (could I finish the article? No, because I won't cry in a Barnes and Noble, thanks.) After forcing myself to put it back, I threw a glance back at Safety Gear and who should meet my gaze but GERARD BUTLER on the cover of the man's Esquire. I don't know if I gasped or choked but Safety Gear looked up with alarm as I instantly directed my attention to the travel guides nearby. I proceeded to learn about the Dalmatian Coast (where the hell is this? I ask) and hated myself internally for a good 30 seconds, realizing I had to read that article. For the love of God I can't tell you why all of these things are happening but the cruel gods of serendipity are throwing Gerard Butler at me like rice at a wedding. So I read about the Dalmatian Coast (where the hell is this?) for ten minutes, waiting for Safety Gear to leave. He continued to read. Good God, man, leave me a shred of dignity! Let me pick up Esquire in peace! I wandered around, notice Christian Bale on the cover of GQ and had no trouble passing it up (??? WHAtS WRONG WITH ME), read the inside flaps of a few new best-sellers, and FINALLY Safety Gear had left the vicinity of Gerard Butler. Long story short? I stood, blocking all real men from the magazines they wanted, as I read the entire article, and STILL cannot answer to you what is appealing about this man. If you have the DAMNEDEST of a clue, I want to hear it.